Goodbye to Yesterday
by SeverusLuciusAbraxasMalfoy
Summary: It's always the rain.


I can only feel the wind in my robes, trying to chill me to the bone, but it's no use when I'm already too cold on the inside.

I feel a squeeze on my shoulder, but I've gone beyond caring, to turn and say anything at all.

The small pressure is gone a little while later, but I feel it's loss keenly.

I can do nothing more than stand here, staring down, staring into nothing, into everything that was yesterday.

It's increasingly hard to find the strength to not collapse onto my knees right here and weep and scream and hope that I become a part of this hallowed ground.

To become free of this oppressive pain in my chest and this burning in my throat and this need to just make it all go away.

I wish it was me.

Here, in the wind, the flowers threaten to free themselves from their satin bonds and leave.

Leave.

Why does everyone leave?

There is only little warning before the rain pelts down, as if desperately needing to clean everything. Suddenly I want it all to stop. I don't want anything that you might have touched out here to be washed away, but I know it's a silly notion.

I remember the time you didn't wash that stupid shirt for days because she said she liked it. I smile at the way you'd blushed and blustered and never stopped wearing it till we couldn't stand the smell. It was particularly amusing when James and I dunked you into the lake.

I have to chuckle at the image of you gaping like a fish, bits of weed in your hair, and not sure whether to be angry or to laugh. I still remember.

Like so many other things I will always remember.

Why did you have to leave me too?

I know I'm dripping wet, and that I probably will be ill tomorrow, and I don't bloody care because it feels so very wrong that I'm standing here now, trying so very hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Goodbye to you.

Goodbye to us.

I can't stand here but I can't leave, and it's too much for me.

It isn't a scream , it isn't hoarse, it isn't anything like anything you'd do. It's quiet when I break down. Quiet. Always so quiet.

I can't stop it when salt mingles with the cool rain water on my lips. I can't stop it when crimson flows to mix with the pristine white of the flower in my hand. It's fitting somehow.

I stare at the thorn covered in a watery red, swiftly melting into pink; tainting. It leaves a small coloured puddle where it rests on what's left of you now.

I can do little more than trace the carved name on the stone and weep for all that I have ever lost.

For all that I will never have again.

For your freedom in the end. For the memories.

For the picture of you with such joy on your ragged, bruised and muddy face when you took to the air on that beast.

When you stuck your hand outside the window to feel the rain, for the first time in so many years, and your head followed because it was too tempting.

And the way you had laughed in pure childish joy when it finally sunk in that you were free.

But that was then.

I can only see the relief that overcame you in that moment you fell.

I wish I had caught you.

I wish I had been closer.

I wish I had been you.

I can't say goodbye. I can't.

I scream now, but not for myself. I scream for you, I want to keep screaming till my throat is ripped out and my lungs burst and my heart gives up the foolish longing, for just a little more time with you.

I'm all that's left of us now. I don't like that very much.

I don't like it at all.

I cannot remember how many times I have replayed each moment of that fateful night, if I was the one with Harry, if I was the one in her way, why was I not closer to keep you going through…

I choke and leave that dangling. It's no point, but my mind refuses to let it go. I can't stop blaming myself.

But I need to stay here, and fulfill the promise we made. I need to be here for Harry.

Who will run with me now? Who will save me from myself ?

On whom will I waste my words of advice? Who will I worry about now?

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry this had to end. I'm sorry I can't do anything more than apologise.

Someday, we'll meet again, unless you go to hell, you slick git. And that day I'll wring your neck with my hands, and then we'll be even.

The rain's stopped, and the rose is still there, and so is your name, and no amount of wishing will make this all just a bad dream.

I trace the name again, and say it quietly.

Sirius.

Goodbye, I will leave now, and I'll be seeing you.

I salute in the way that's just you, and take the long way back.

Goodbye to yesterday.

_

* * *

Thanks to tocourtdisaster's fanmix for Remus Lupin that inspired this :)_


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